i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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