masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
