He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
The best revenge is premature balding
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
