I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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