so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
