I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
