I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
