I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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