My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
