Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
