U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
