Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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