Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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