i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Randomize
