Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
