I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
