Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
