Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
