Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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