the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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