Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
