I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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