Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
