rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
