im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
