you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
