I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
