we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
