I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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