Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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