My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
