Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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