Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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