Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
