I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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