now i know why i became what i already was.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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