so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
