I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Drake has all the answers
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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