Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
