Can Purell be used as lube?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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