I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
