shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
you didnt know i had herpes?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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