Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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