did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
