I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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