I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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