And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
