listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
