Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
