Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
